b.frei influx

in light of the terrible news coming out of Boston, I feel guilty feeling pretty giddy right now because someone sent me a sweet sweet message about being their “one” (and I take that with a grain of salt) but its a great feeling to be wanted. and, rather, in light of such unexpected awfulness and uncertain times its better to plunge ahead and grab onto anything that is good in life.

this will now be an impersonal movie blog…you will see more movie related things as that is all i am capable of at this point. not that i post a lot of personal information or thoughts, but just putting it out there in case anyone cares about the topical nature of this tumblr.

tonite has been the topping on a so far shitty week wherein i was once again cellphone photographed for being the fat asian chick, and looked down on (or rather not even looked at) by a bunch of douchebag mba cohorts for having a shitty job, in a hellish cycle of many years circling the drain to the bottom of the life. i believe i am nearly thisclose to the ring just above homelessness and death. but it is only just a precarious hovering above said ring.

i am sick and tired of being sick and tired and a disgusting inability to change. i really think i should go back on the depression meds train again. but it never seems to work! lack of focus and inability to cope is depression related right?…and the fear that everyone is looking at you and being judgey judgmental and this prevents you from doing anything is a related thing yeah? check.

i just really realized tonite that i am not only sad, but really very angry. and it shows. somehow the unhappy bit seems to elude people while the angry is abundantly evident. and i was clearly very much in dislike of the cohorts so it was a good thing i got to leave work early and avoid more encounters with said assholes. i know most of my anger stems from myself, as i am projecting cause i should have/could have been one of those assholes in a former life.

seriously, I have no idea where i lost myself or how to get it back. hmm…and get what back exactly? cause before wasn’t great - though better than this, but still a fake putting on a show of going through the motions. so how does one get unstuck from the gunky mire of disappointment and a failure to launch (see what i did there - inserted a movie reference)?

and so that brings us back to transitioning this tumblr into a movie blog. at midnight, when all the best ideas have had time to marinate in my mind and generally never come to fruition. like most things i try.

if only i had my own yoda to tell me, sagely, ” do or do not. there is no try.” also, another nugget of truth i have, rather am discovering, is “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering.”

i am on a dark dark path. i may yet become a sith - see above said hovering, teetering on that last ring…

i wanna to be like stella, and get my groove back. but, well, i never really had a groove, or got divorced, so maybe i’m just looking for friend for the end of the world (as i know it).

still watching silk stalkings. 

this is called self-flagellation. i am punishing myself.